Last year I was teaching a guy the pick-up arts. A good guy who’d concentrated hard on his career but had very limited success with women. He was learning quick, but he really struggled with approach anxiety. One night while out sarging, he turned to me and said, “Why can’t women approach me?”. I laughed and told him the following.
There are a number of character traits that women find attractive in men. One of the main ones is being a protector – being able to protect a woman in dangerous or difficult situations (part of masculinity). So, how on earth can a guy convey that attractive character-trait (being a protector) when he can’t even approach women?
There is a significant difference between masculinity and femininity. Masculinity is about courage, risk taking, boldness, etc., where femininity is about gentleness, patience, kindness, etc. Because of the difference, women expect men who are attracted to them to approach and initiate conversations. Yet, very few guys realize this!
So, it’s up to guys to approach women and not the other way round, I told him!
May 1st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Man, this has gone thru my head so many times when I’ve hit AA!
“It’s up to guys to approach women and not the other way round!”
I love it and so f*cking right!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I wish I’d realized that years ago… when I was a pussy and couldn’t even approach anything better than a warpig.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Makes ya think when you’re standing there and staring at women and you feel too overwhelmed to go over and say hi, can’t wait to start your course.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Ha, I suppose this is about understanding the phsychology of men and women. TBH, I’ve never understood women, but this helps guys (and me) realize they should be over there and talking to women instead of thinking about!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
so true… shoudl teach this in college, would certainly help the quiet ones
June 10th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
You can wait for women to approach you, but you better be ready for lonely nights. I did this for 10 years and noticed after being encouraged by a few friends that to be successful in meeting women, you have to approach them, period.
I’ve asked many women in the past few years different questions about seeing a guy that is interested and how much respect they have for them after it was clear that they weren’t going to approach and the answer is always similar, “If he doesn’t have the balls to come talk to me after I’m clearly interested, then he’s not qualified to ‘date’ me.”
June 10th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Thats so true… I kindda wish it wouldnt be the case so y AA wouldnt be such an obstacle, but this is how it is.. so I better work on it.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
I wish I had approached this girl earlier today but I don’t know I still feel overwhelmed when I get that voice in my head to approach. When I’m all relax I go in and game with out worries when I want too but as soon as you think about it…. it fuck you up big time! That why it important to train your mind.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Sweet response Lou, it makes sense! But I always find it ironic how much feminists and ’social reformists and activists play into these kinds of social norms.
True: we should have the balls to approach them.
Also true: if a chick is against the social norms of the day, shouldn’t she be prepared to make a move?
June 11th, 2008 at 4:40 am
I’ve long since overcome Approach Anxiety, but I vehemently disagree that women won’t approach you period. For the most part, I am the one that makes all initial contact after I received significant IOI’s and reading good bodylanguage. However, even though it is more seldom, I’ve definitely had women approach me as well. It’s quite simple, observe the women showing you interest discreetly and watch for IOI’s and show her disinterest and pretend that she doesn’t exist and if possible talk to other women in the vicinty. Slowly, but surely u will attract her until she can’t hold back anymore, and she will approach u. However, this is not true will all women, in most instances I will agree that the male must approach, but under certain circumstances this is not the case. Generally, I found the women that approach me are very confident and social or powerful in someway (i.e. money, well educated) and very hott!!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Jon, we’re not saying women don’t approach, it does happen. However, botton line, it’s up to guys to approach… it’s the essence of masculinity.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:22 am
I have had women approach me, the trick is to let them know you have noticed them, but seem uninterested. it will not work on all women that’s for sure. it depends on the woman and obviously they have to be attracted to you in the first place. i remember one time i was in a club just siotting on the chair with me feet on the table, the girl next to me was moving around alot so that i would notice her, i turned to look at her and she smiled at me, i pulled my sunglasses down a bit and looked over the top of them at her, she smiled some more. just as she went to say somthing i put my sunglasses back on and turned away and carried on with my beer. she evebntualy came over and sat on my lap saying “you making me work hard tonight”
it can be done, but its a tricky game to play. therr is the risk off locking like a muppet trying to be cool.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:23 am
ignore the bad spelling: i haven’t had my tea this morning
June 11th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I think to a degree its a social stigma which is instilled into us at a young age.
Men approach women, just like how men propose to women.
Maybe you can think of it as men selecting and taking a woman and making her, his. You dont really expect a girl to walk up to a guy and say “make me yours!” similarly you wouldn’t expect a woman to propose to a man.
Shrug.. It’s how it is. Deal with it